A Little About Myself

Hi everyone, my name is Crumpled Foreskin, but my friends just call me Crump. I’m a Mohel, as my name implies. When I was born your surname was aligned with your profession much of the time. I’m 526 years old, and don’t look a day over 35, and I owe it to my profession, as it gives me access to an almost unlimited amount of stem cells. In case anyone is in the market, I do the circumcision for free, but in return I keep the fruits of my labor. If you didn’t know, the ceremony is called a bris or a brit milah by my Jewish customers and khitan by my Muslim customers. Some Christian sects practice circumcision and some don’t, but they just call it a circumcision. I now live in the US, because people get circumcised regardless of their religion, so I tend to go where my services are in high demand.

At one point in my life I was fairly well known around the world, as my profession was very highly regarded and I was the best Mohel in the world. I won the best Mohel competition 56 times before the competition was cancelled in 1802. We would see who could do the most snips, without causing any permanent damage, in a 5 minute competition. My record was 120 and it still stands to this day (though I’ve heard some guy beat it in an underground competition, but it isn’t official).

In the early 1800’s the Catholic Church led a brutal campaign against us Mohels and most my peers were killed or enslaved. They called us pedos for just doing our jobs, it was called the Great Mohel Reckoning of 1812. This isn’t in your history books, but I promise it happened! I managed to flee to an island named Elba, and guess who I met there in 1814…. It was none other than Napoleon, and he had been exiled to the same place. I usually don’t don’t do adult circumcisions because the stem cells are dead by then, but I helped him out. He was a little guy and it made his junk look a little bigger. It gave him so much confidence, that he left the island and took France back over for a hundred days. I don’t know what happened to him after that, but he said good things about me and I was allowed to leave the island and continue my profession.

In the 1960’s I had a lot of business in Palestine and what is called Israel. I was doing very well for myself and I was in high demand, until the Israelis decided I couldn’t eat the fruits of my labor anymore and instead they sold my foreskins on the black market for beauty products. One foreskin could fetch a thousand bucks, and that was a lot of money in the 60’s. I said I wouldn’t allow this to happen, because it went against my Mohel Oath I took when I started my profession. They jailed me and tortured me, but I finally made it out and lived in the US since then.

I have many stories I can share from my experiences over the past 500+ years. Yoda ain’t got shit on me! Let me know if anyone is interested and I’ll start sharing them on my Substack.

Thanks 🙏

-Crumpled Foreskin

P.S. FREE PALESTINE